, who discusses her alternate views on what constitutes "sex". I wrote something in this topic in my journal entry,
- How Is Your Sex Drive?, where I discuss the idea of goal-oriented sex and not always being in the mood.
I am linking to her article, so make sure to go read it there and comment to her.
But I'm also going to quote a few passages and comment here.
The article is about how, after she began having sex with women, she had a make-out session with a guy who had a premature ejaculation during the making out. Before she began having sex with women, she says she would have been disappointed and assumed the make-out session was over, placing all the emphasis on the man's ejaculation. Since he already had one, that must mean the sex is over.
But, after having relationships with women for a while, she had learned that the orgasm isn't the end of the line. With women, the sex can continue after one or both has an orgasm, both still giving and receiving pleasure. So, when her guy-friend came, her auto-response was to ask if that necessarily meant they had to stop.
His reaction was one of relief. He didn't really want to stop, but he had been conditioned (as many of us are) that sex is goal-oriented, and that goal was the hard dick and the male orgasm. If the dick isn't hard, it isn't sex. If he doesn't come, it isn't sex (or at least not complete). If he can't get her off with just PIV penetration, it isn't sex. If they don't have a mutual orgasm, it isn't the ultimate, best sex.
Sex is not about the orgasm. Just as being poly is not about the sex. Yes, the orgasm is great, it's one of the more wonderful parts of sex, just as the sex is one of the more wonderful parts about being poly. But the orgasm isn't (or shouldn't be) the SOLE REASON for sex (just as sex is not the sole reason for poly relationships - if sex was the sole reason, we'd be casual swingers). Greta Christina makes the reference to lesbians because they are a group of people who, by definition, have had to realize that sex doesn't necessarily need to include PIV penetration or orgasm from PIV penetration. You don't have to be lesbian to know this, but being lesbian sort of guarantees that you'll learn it eventually.
Anyway, the point is that sex, for me, isn't a goal, it isn't a destination to strive for at all costs. It's an enjoyable ride that has lots of different paths, sceneries, side-trips, and rest-stops along the way. When I set out on that ride, I might not make it to Orgasmville that day. But I may find myself in Wonderful Bonding Moment Involving Cuddling And Pleasant Touching Town. Or I may find myself in the City of I'm Getting All The Attention As My Lover Spoils Me With Incredible Oral Sex. Or maybe we'll pop over for a visit to the Village of I'm Not Exactly Horny But I Love Making My Partner Feel Good By Giving Him A Blow Job. And sometimes it's a very intense vacation in Flogging County that doesn't include orgasm or hard dicks at all.
Women who are conditioned with this belief in hard dicks and PIV orgasm are setting themselves up for a long life of unfilling sex because of unrealistic expectations. And men are setting themselves up for low self-esteem and an unrealistic belief of how their bodies should function which could further inhibit their physical abilties.
Greta Christina really makes the point for me here:
And I think it’s important to remember that this state of affairs doesn’t just suck for women. It sucks for men, too ... The obsessive spotlight on the hard dick as the sole focal point and defining feature of sex . . . it makes for some seriously unsatisfied women, of course, but I think it’s a raw deal for men as well. It’s too much pressure on one little organ ... An awful lot of people, of all genders and orientations, would benefit from the kind of sex that lesbians take as a given. The kind of sex where success isn’t overwhelmingly defined by one partner’s “performance.” The kind of sex that doesn’t make a sharp distinction between “foreplay” and “sex,” and that doesn’t have a strong opinion about which has to happen first. The kind of sex where the journey is the destination.
So, go forth and explore! You should have a roadmap of the body first, which is where good sex education comes in (both the clinical type offered by medical professionals, or at least knowledgable teachers, and the type you get from your partner about his or her body and kinks specifically), but I like to think of the roadmap as more of a Thomas Guide or an Atlas, as opposed to a set of Mapquest directions. The roadmap tells you where things are, but it doesn't tell you where you should go. Because all the places on the map have their own interesting little quirks, tourist traps and secret local favorites and all are worth visiting. While I hope that everyone gets to visit Orgasmville regularly, I also hope that everyone doesn't visit it every time, if for no other reason than to force ya'll to visit the other places more often and learn just how wonderful those other places are too.